PART II. DEFINITION OF SPECIFIC CRIMES
OFFENSES AGAINST THE LAW SCHOOL
§ 260.0. Definitions.
In Sections 260-265, unless a different meaning plainly is required:
(1) “law student” means a person who has been born and appears to be alive, but has had their soul sucked out through their nose;
(2) “exam” means any officially administered question or set of questions that causes physical pain, illness, impairment of cognitive function, or abnormal bodily response;
(3) “abnormal bodily response” may include headache, indigestion, night sweats, cerebral hemorrhaging, crippling psychic pain, persistent numbness, and a constant questioning of self-worth, as well as any other protracted loss or impairment of the function of any bodily member or organ, or, uh, herpes;
(4) “deadly weapon” means any firearm, device or instrument, which in the manner it is used or is intended to be used is known to be capable of producing death or serious bodily injury;
(5) “gunner” means any law student who, through conduct or appearance, induces in others the strong desire to use a deadly weapon;
6) “platypus” means a small amphibious Australian mammal noted for its odd combination of primitive features and special adaptations, especially the flat, almost comical bill that early observers thought was that of a duck sewn onto the body of a mammal;
(7) “chickenshit” refers to any statute or judicial decision that is poorly formulated or ill-conceived, or, alternatively, to pretty much anything at all;
(8) “outline” means a well-structured encapsulation of course material that you will never finish compiling in time, and will instead be forced to acquire by means of
a) monetary compensation;
b) sexual gratification; or
c) outright theft;
(9) “study” refers to any activities involving a law student’s laptop, including those that have no actual relation to the law itself.
§ 263.1 Cellular Disturbance
(a) A law student commits an offense if, during a class lecture or discussion, they purposely, knowingly, recklessly, or negligently are in possession of communications device that emits an audible ring, tone, or beep;
(b) It is no defense to prosecution under this section that the actor reasonably believed their phone to be “off” or “on vibrate.”
§ 263.2 Aggravated Cellular Disturbance
(a) A law student commits an offense if, during a class lecture or discussion, they purposely, knowingly, recklessly, or negligently are in possession of communications device that emits an audible ring, tone, or beep, and, the ring, tone, or beep is a musical sequence lasting more than five seconds;
(b) an offense under this section is a:
(1) state jail felony if the musical sequence is an approximation of any song
performed by Jewel, Creed, or Matchbox Twenty;
(2) felony of the second degree if the musical sequence is an approximation of
any collaborative effort involving Ja Rule and some chick.
§ 264.1 Criminal Procrastination
(a) A law student commits an offense if, instead of studying substantive criminal law, a topic about which he knows little, he chooses to spend a wholly unreasonable amount of time writing a cheesy Model Penal Code parody that fewer than six people will ever read.