In an effort to shock my fans and silence my critics, I chose today to attend my intellectual property class for the first time in six weeks. I was received with several cheers and a smattering of applause, and by the ebullient look on the professor’s face I can tell that he’s excited to have me back. But, despite the obvious joy that I’ve created, there are certain risks involved in resuming attendance in a class that has fallen off of your radar for more than five weeks:
--It can be a bit confusing. Since I’ve been away from class since the first week of September, I’ve been studying on my own without allowing for the slower pace of normal humans. So, while I’m showing up ready to ask questions about the final and hoping that the professor can take a look at my outline and flashcards to see if they’re up to par, everyone else is under the impression that we should be using class time to cover stuff like “patents.” Kind of strange.
--You might be stealing someone’s seat. There is nothing more frightening than witnessing the complete mental collapse of someone who has been displaced by the prodigal classmate after spending five weeks molding a particular chair to their butt. The best strategy is to show up to class at the very last minute, when most of the folks who’ve developed emotional ties to their seats have already shown up. But this does not entirely eliminate the risk of pissing someone off, as the evil eye being cast my way would suggest.
--Communists. When they come to take us out, they’ll look in class first. Just saying.
--Efficiency. Trying to learn the law from class instead of written materials is like trying to learn the news from Dan Rather instead of a newspaper. It might be slightly more exciting, but it takes roughly ten times as long. In the time I’ve spent not concentrating in this class, I could have not concentrated on something like fifty pages of relevant text. The numbers speak for themselves.
I must say, these 67 minutes have gone by fairly quickly. But here’s the O’Henry story of my law school career: The only way I’ll survive a 67 minute class is if I have my laptop, but the only way I’ll absorb anything during that class is if I don’t bring my laptop. Though this was an interesting experiment, I think we’ll chalk it up as a failed one.