Why They Shouldn't Let Me Talk to Prospective Students

“Hey, sure, come in and sit down. Sorry the office is such a mess. So…what schools are you deciding between?”

“It’s down to UT and Chicago. I just came from Chicago, so I’m down here checking things out.”

“Well, I can tell that our weather beats the crap out of theirs. I don’t know about you, but I’d come to Texas just to get away from the cold.”

“Oh, the cold isn’t really a problem for me. I lived in Siberia for a year.”

“Where? You mean, like, Montana or something?”

“No, I mean I actually lived in Siberia. Russia. Studying geology.”

“Oh, Wow. Well, I guess the cold wouldn’t be a problem then. But Texas is still the only place to be. You know, I was looking at Michigan for awhile, but I just couldn’t bear to go to a place with crappy Mexican food.”

“I hate Mexican food. I’m from Utah.”

“I see. Well, I guess someone has to be from there, right? Ha!”

“What else do you think UT has to recommend itself? I mean, up at Chicago they told me that I could have my pick of jobs, even if I graduate in the bottom quarter of the class, and that at UT I’d never have those kind of options.”

“Wow—Jack, is it?—I don’t really know what to say to that. I mean, though I’m sure it sounded nicer when they said it, they’re pretty much right. It’s a lot easier to be on the bottom at Chicagothan it is at Texas. But we have one thing they don’t have.”

“What’s that?”

“Thousands of hot Texas undergrads. I swear, Jack—“

“It’s Zack.”

“Uh-huh. You have no idea just how many of them they are. They all come out in the fall and think that they’re supposed to dress up and—“

“Actually, I’m married.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, which was another reason that Chicago appealed to me. Lots of married people.”

“Well, hey, I’m married, too, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate—“

“Is the Mormon church fairly big around here?”

“Sorry?”

"The Mormon church. I’m LDS. I’m looking for a strong Mormon community.”

“Oh! Oh sure, actually we have quite a few—FUCKING COCKKNOCKING FUCKERS!!!”

“I-I—Excuse me?”

“YOU FUCKING SONS OF BITCHES! WHO STOLE MY JOLLY RANCHERS?”

“Your—like…the candy?”

“Yes, the goddam candy! I used my own money and bought a five pound bag of Jolly Ranchers for my office, and put them in this jar.”

“I don’t—what’s the problem? It seems full to me.”

“Are you fucking blind, Johnny Utah? Everybody knows that I only like three flavors, so I picked those out and put them in this jar here. Then, out of the goodness of my heart, I put the Grape and Blue Raspberry back into the bag and put that bag out in the lounge so that everyone else could have them. But you’ll notice that, somehow, this jar now contains only Grape and Blue Raspberry. Some soulless jerkwad raped my Jolly Rancher Jar!”

“And you think they put the Cherry and Apple and Watermelon back in the bag and took it out into the lounge?”

“Well, probably—wait a minute. Wait a goddam minute. How could you know that the ones they stole were Cherry, Apple, and Watermelon?”

“It’s pretty obvious. There are only five flavors to begin with, and—“

“You couldn’t, that is, unless YOU were the one who STOLE THEM!”

“What? Me? This is ridiculous!”

“Ridiculous? You steal MY candy and call ME ridiculous? I’ll have your goddam head for this!”

“I think I’m going to leave now.”

“Go ahead! Leave, you thieving communist! Run to Chicago. You can’t hide from me! I WILL find you! Justice will be done!”

“I’m out of here. You’re insane.”

“I Will Have My Retribution! A Pox Upon YOU! BLOOD! BLOOD! I WILL HAVE IT! I WILL HAVE IT!!!!”

“…”

“Alrighty then. I'd say that went pretty well.”

Comments

Okay, after reading that, I am SO ready to transfer to UT!

[kristine]

Don't lie. They don't let you talk to students.

[casey]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I bet less than 10% of your readers know who Johnny Utah is (I'm in that less than 10% group)...

"You're sayin' the FBI's gonna pay me to learn to surf?"

casey

[Kelly]

pure comedy

[JL]

That seems like a pretty normal conversation to me. Inattention to silly details such as a person's name and marital status, threats of dire retribution and revenge for possibly stealing my candy... yep. I have those sorts of conversations all the time.

[wes]

"I am an FBI agent!"

"Punk, Quarterback Punk"

[japhy]

holy shit that was good stuff! thanks for the much needed break from studying patent law...

however, we do have incredibly good mexican food in utah. tons of immigrants - very authentic and cheap grub. it's one of the things i miss most out here in philly.

Jack/Zack

you're biting off Down by Law. everyone catches the keanu movie, but that one is over their heads.

[The Angry Attorney]

Heh...just wait until you are interviewing prospective summer associates and associates. After doing about 100 interviews a day for weeks on end, reality will not be far from your post.

And, don't forget...with the SA "audience," they are so hard up for jobs,they'd pop Jolly Ranchers out of their ass to make you happy.

[Reckless Murder]

Wow, I had a similar interaction with some prospectives a few weeks ago. Only to realize it was a prospective parent. She looked young enough and I explained the tradition of the first semester drinkathon that went until the last person passed out in class and puked on the quad.

[sic semper]

you are a funny bastard. we have quite a pack of mormons in all three classes at my law school.

point break is widely viewed. I cannot believe this blog's readership is so heedless as not to know Johnny Utah.

[Ian]

Alas, it is true. The mormon mafia at TLR tried to plant another mole in our on going effort to penetrate the TLR-TILJ bank robbing operation. "Zach" seemed so promising.

Wingsandvodka has broken our cover. Perhaps this explains why this year there are 7 LDS TLR members, but next year there will only be one. The new EIC is squeezing us out of the family I tell you.

[wingsandvodka]

I'm just impressed that Ian has already done the requisite analysis of the 1L class to figure out that he'll be the only LDS left.

And if I'm subconsciously squeezing you guys out, it's just the manifestation of the psychic pain caused by a decade's worth of being snubbed by Mormon girls. In my experience as a Vegas youth, "I only date Mormon guys" was just a nice way of saying "You have bad acne, and you dress like a blind person, so please go away."

[Ian]

There is a young padawan 1L...so maybe there will be 2 of us. Oh wait that is a differnt movie.

[res ipsa]

Johnnuy Utah is no match for Ron Mexico.

[reality]

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