Memorandum

TO: Dallas Partners and Associates

FROM: Mike the Summer Clerk

CC: wingsandvodka.blogs.com

RE: The Lunch Situation

Introduction

     It has been brought to my attention that, due to my late arrival at the firm, I will be the only summer clerk working in the Dallas office for the entire month of July. Though I am, of course, thrilled to have solo access to some of the world’s most exciting legal projects, I am also aware that this will cause a bit of a crunch when it comes to lunches, coffees, dinners, etc. Being the only clerk—and therefore the only free lunch ticket—I expect that my phone will begin ringing off the hook in a day or two, and I hope that this memo will bring some order to what could otherwise be a chaotic situation. I’ve outlined my solutions below.

1. Expanded Lunch Schedule

     Starting Tuesday, July 5th, I will be offering an expanded lunch schedule. Though it may impinge upon my work time a bit, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for the firm. My lunch period will be divided into two slots: An 11 AM to 12:45 PM slot and a 1 PM to 2:45 PM slot. This should afford twice as many attorneys the opportunity to dine with me, and, as a result, avoid situations like last Thursday’s Hair-Pull-a-Thon in the 59th-floor elevator lobby. If you would like to schedule one of these two lunch slots, you need only:

A. Check the master schedule to see which time slots are open.

B. Put together a proposal that includes the destination, anticipated budget, and expected attendees.

C. Submit the proposal to my secretary so that she can perform a conflicts check, as to minimize repetition of cuisine and/or company.

D. Upon receipt of e-mail confirmation from my secretary, send me a $50, non-refundable cash deposit via Inter-Department Mail.

E. Be outside my office no later than 15 minutes before our scheduled lunch date.

2. The “Coffee?—Yes!” Program

     As you know, I’ve developed a bit of a dependency on Starbucks products, to the point that six trips a day is pretty standard. As a result, I feel that I am wasting valuable firm time traveling to and from the ground-level Starbucks. But this will no longer be the case.

     Starting tomorrow, I will be officing at the rear-corner table in the Starbucks downstairs. I have procured a laptop and ample office supplies, as well as a more comfortable office chair, and all of my calls will be forwarded to the cashier. Additionally, should e-mail not be adequate, Starbucks management has agreed to allow me use of their fax machine, free of charge. (I have not yet solidified my copy machine arrangement, but a solution is forthcoming.)

     As a result, should you feel like taking me out for coffee, you need not go the usual route of e-mailing and waiting for a response. Instead, simply come downstairs, purchase an Iced Venti Quad Mocha (no whipped cream) along with whatever you yourself might like to drink, and sit down in my new office for what promises to be an enlightening chat.

3. The Virtual Clerk Lunch© 

     Finally, should you find that you’ve procrastinated to the point that, by the time you call, my lunch schedule is already full, do not panic. All is not lost. For a nominal processing fee, you can still sign up for The Virtual Clerk Lunch©. Here’s how it works.

     Choose a dining location as you normally would, and then, based on my probable ordering behavior (which can be calculated according to the attached MikeMenuMatrix), calculate the entire cost of the lunch, tax and gratuity included. After you generate a total, write a check for that amount (plus the $12.95 processing fee), payable to me. Once your check has cleared, you will receive (within 5 to 7 business days):

--A fully itemized receipt, listing what we would have eaten based on the amount paid.

--A detailed account of our lunch conversation, including documenation of all witty anecdotes, first-run jokes, and Greek literary references.

--A lifelike, 5 x 7 photo of you and me at a lunch table, generated by my graphic arts department.

--A copy of my calendar, retroactively altered to reflect our intimate outing.

--A signed reprint of the Zagat’s review I write based on the lunch.

--Commemorative stamp, featuring either the Young Mike or the Old Mike (vote pending).

Conclusion

     It is my belief that the above innovations will create a more pleasurable clerkship environment for everyone involved. If you have any questions, feel free to call me at extension XXXX any time before 11 AM or after 2:45 PM, and just ask for “Mike, the Guy With the Mocha.” Thanks.

Comments

[casey]

You are going to need some enterprise-scaled scheduling software to handle all this. I recommend netsimplicity.com

[Reckless Murder]

Wow. This summer keeps getting funnier and funnier. Good thing this firm doesn't believe in working.

[TP]

god damn you're a funny bastard.

[SmartAss]

I would expect a post from you, but I imagine you're out to lunch and t/f too busy to provide new material to your readership.

[Vida]

W&V,

Thought you might find this response to the Kelo v. City of New London decision amusing.

http://www.freenation.tv/hotellostliberty2.html

[abusygirl]

hilarious. i love your blog.

[Kim Plaintive]

I vote for the Young Mike stamp.

[Kim Plaintive]

No, wait, change my vote to Old Mike.

[Kim Plaintive]

Ok, three votes for Young Mike and two votes for Old Mike. Thanks.

just so you know, you have been mefied

[Anonymouse]

Aren't you worried about getting fired?

[zzyz]

Your lunches are only 1:45 long? How about 11-1:30 and 1:30-4?

[wingsandvodka]

Mefied. Swell. Thanks, FatLlama.

Ass.

[grouse]

Why don't you want to be Mefied?

[drucifer]

That is some truly funny shit, particularly on a Friday afternoon at 4:30, with the boss on vacation, with nothing but jack and shit to keep me from flying the coop

[astuce]

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