Steve: We should do something nice for him.
Nino: Nice? This Court hasn’t had the chance to haze anybody in more than ten years, and you want to go nice?
Steve: Yeah. Maybe we could make him something. Like a hand-knit gavel cozy.
Ruth: Or like that cheese basket we gave you, Stephen. That was lovely.
Steve: The cranberry brie really was divine.
Nino: This is bullshit. He’s young, he’s good-looking, he must be abused upon arrival. I’m thinking saran-wrapped toilet seat and frozen boxers.
Ruth: That’s disgusting. What does JP think?
JP: We should shave his balls!
AK: Ugh. JP always wants to shave their balls. New associate justice? Shave their balls. Uppity clerk from Yale? Shave their balls. I swear to John Marshall, if I didn't spike his tea with lithium every morning, he'd try to shave my balls.
Clarence: Aren’t you guys worried that all of this might be trying just a little too hard? How’s he going to respect us if we’re willing to take four hours out of our day just to pick up a fondue set or plaster over his office door so that it looks like a blank wall?
Nino: Ooh. That’s a good idea. We could even put an electrical faceplate on it to really sell the gag. He’ll be all “Where’s my office?” and we’ll be all “What office? The Chief works out of the lobby. Don’t you remember?”
Ruth: A fondue set isn’t a bad idea, either.
Clarence: You people are idiots.
Dave: I say we focus on the robe. Maybe cut the ass out of it at the same time they remove the gold stripes.
AK: Oh! Instead of removing the stripes, we could just replace them. With pink ones.
Dave: And add a matching sash!
AK: Maybe a big Lady Justice broach with pink diamonds?
Dave: And a tiara!
Nino: GODDAM IT! GET YOURSELVES TOGETHER!
Steve: Looks like somebody got up on the wrong side of the commerce clause.
Nino: Look. If we screw this up, we’re setting a shitty precedent for God knows how long. This guy is going to be around for the next thirty years—if he doesn’t get hazed well, then how is he going know what to do once he’s the one responsible for hazing?
Ruth: I guess you’re right. The door plastering thing is pretty good.
Dave: And we could still do the robe, but leave off the tiara.
Nino: That’s more like it. Now—what do we do with the Miers chick? Anyone?
JP: Shave Her Balls!