Conference Call (A Third Try For Clarity?)

Steve: We should do something nice for him.

Nino: Nice? This Court hasn’t had the chance to haze anybody in more than ten years, and you want to go nice?

Steve: Yeah. Maybe we could make him something. Like a hand-knit gavel cozy.

Ruth: Or like that cheese basket we gave you, Stephen. That was lovely.

Steve: The cranberry brie really was divine.

Nino: This is bullshit. He’s young, he’s good-looking, he must be abused upon arrival. I’m thinking saran-wrapped toilet seat and frozen boxers.

Ruth: That’s disgusting. What does JP think?

JP: We should shave his balls!

AK: Ugh. JP always wants to shave their balls. New associate justice? Shave their balls. Uppity clerk from Yale? Shave their balls. I swear to John Marshall, if I didn't spike his tea with lithium every morning, he'd try to shave my balls.

Clarence: Aren’t you guys worried that all of this might be trying just a little too hard? How’s he going to respect us if we’re willing to take four hours out of our day just to pick up a fondue set or plaster over his office door so that it looks like a blank wall?

Nino: Ooh. That’s a good idea. We could even put an electrical faceplate on it to really sell the gag. He’ll be all “Where’s my office?” and we’ll be all “What office? The Chief works out of the lobby. Don’t you remember?”

Ruth: A fondue set isn’t a bad idea, either.

Clarence: You people are idiots.

Dave: I say we focus on the robe. Maybe cut the ass out of it at the same time they remove the gold stripes.

AK: Oh! Instead of removing the stripes, we could just replace them. With pink ones.

Dave: And add a matching sash!

AK: Maybe a big Lady Justice broach with pink diamonds?

Dave: And a tiara!

Nino: GODDAM IT! GET YOURSELVES TOGETHER!

.

Steve: Looks like somebody got up on the wrong side of the commerce clause.

Nino: Look. If we screw this up, we’re setting a shitty precedent for God knows how long. This guy is going to be around for the next thirty years—if he doesn’t get hazed well, then how is he going know what to do once he’s the one responsible for hazing?

Ruth: I guess you’re right. The door plastering thing is pretty good.

Dave: And we could still do the robe, but leave off the tiara.

Nino: That’s more like it. Now—what do we do with the Miers chick? Anyone?

JP: Shave Her Balls!

Comments

[LALawyer]

You crack me up!

[amberwaves]

that is too funny; i'm in the library reading this and laughing hysterically. thank god it wasn't in class - there's no way i could have played that one off.

[nambypamby]

funniest thing you have ever posted.

[Ian]

I do not recommend reading this is class. Prof. Young is not happy with me.

BWV, you should work as a writer for SNL.

[kristine]

Um, did you mean for "Tony" to be "Nino"? Because that's how it reads. (Plus, "Tony" and "AK" are the same person, as far as I know.)

But, hey, otherwise, spot on!

[wingsandvodka]

Well, when I was hanging out with Antonin's mom, she called him "Tony."

All because I just wanted to avoid having to type out last names. Sheesh.

[j]

fuck them and their need for clarification, WV... if they can't figure out who is who from the information given, well then it's no wonder why they aren't reading a post on some Hahhvahd blog from one of their fellow students about the different wines that Wagner drank while composing masterpieces.

Geez... it's not rocket science.

who the hell couldn't figure out who Tony and AK were?

Congratulations, you have jumped the shark

[wingsandvodka]

Please. I jumped the shark the day I was featured on Access Hollywood.

or

Please. Your Mom jumps sharks for a living. And she's fat.

or

Please. At least I can still get on water skis, you puppy-raping, limbless, culture Nazi.

or

Go back to the Pre-Law boards. They miss you. HTH.

Wow, you really are hot and bothered over the SMU-grad nomination. I am sorry.

[jason]

This probably second only to the post from the wingsandvodka.blogspot.com days about the play-by-play Notes from Memoland post in funnyness.

Great job.

[Unreasonable Man]

Very funny... but I still think that your best is either your interview way back in fall of your 2L year or the motion for a new venue in a different conference room at your firm.

[Josh]

I laughed hysterically at the "Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the commerce clause."

[Citations]

I'll never be able to look at CJ JR without picturing him in a robe with pink stripes... and a big pink sash... and a sparkly brooch. Thanks a lot!

I think they should go with the tiara too, though. Why stop short?

[Ruth]

Someone should really photoshop John Roberts so that this post has a nice illustration to go with it.