A Brief Taxonomy of Classroom Participation Strategies

The Preemptive Strike

A calculated move to pick off low-hanging fruit early in a given class period, with the hope that you'll be able to avoid being called on later to talk about something you haven't read.  Caution: If done too well, can sometimes backfire; the professor may like your answer so much that he drags you into being his Socratic punching bag for much longer than you'd intended. See Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Falling on the Grenade

If your professor has a semi-predictable pattern of calling on people, and you have reason to believe that one or several of your friends are a) unprepared, and b) about to be called on, the Christ-like thing to do is to raise your own hand in order to draw the professor's attention away from other students. Also known as The Rodeo Clown.

The Mercy Kill

Sometimes called the Ben Stein, this strategy is best employed to put an end to the deafening silence following a question that is either too hard or too easy, or to silence a professor that has said "Anyone?" more than four times in a row.

Playing Possum

For gunners finding it particularly hard to get called on, feigned distraction and boredom can often provoke the desired response.  Pretend to be asleep, or obsessed with your navel, or masturbating in class, and more often than not the professor will call on you, thinking you easy prey.  Make him regret it.

Playing Foreign LLM

If you happen to be unprepared, disaster can often be avoided by answering in a language cooler than English, like Korean, or Portuguese, or Canadian.

The Admiral Stockdale

Most professors will simply move on to the next student if faced with an answer like "POTATOES! I LIKE POTATOES! WHERE'S MY PONY? MOM? ARE YOU THERE? POTATOES!" Also known locally as "The Shawn Rutherford?"

The Marvin

I don't know Marvin.  I've never met Marvin.  And I'm pretty sure that he doesn't even go by the name Marvin.  But I have been told that once, when called on by name, while sitting in his assigned seat, Marvin successfully pretended that he was not, in fact, in class, and that a slightly confuzled professor was then forced to move on to the next student.  For that, Marvin, we salute you.

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Haven't Read

Answer the prof's question with another question.  If he fires back with yet another question, it's on. If not, he loses, and you should tell him so.

The Paige Pipkin 

Really just a stalling tactic, forces the professor to clarify as many parts of the question as possible while you frantically flip pages in your case book: "Could you repeat the question?" "Could you say that one  word again?" "Could you give me the language of origin?" "Could you use it in a sentence?" "Could you use it in a sentence other than the original question?"

Scorched Earth Policy

If the professor is going to take you down, then you're going to take him down with you.  Pull in an unrelated law review article.  Cite Blackstone.  Bring up the war in Iraq.  Or abortion.    Calling your professor a racist is also good for this, though it often takes a little bit of creativity in some of the drier classes. Trust your instincts.

Scorched Nuts Policy

1. Spill  coffee. 2. On crotch.  3. Run away. 

Comments

I was present for both the Shawn Rutherford and the Marvin...both were wonderful, memorable moments of my first year.

[nambypamby]

Your strategic genius knows no bounds.

[Kevin Q]

I am a big fan of the Preemptive Strike, but it does require you to know your professor's style pretty well. I think I'm going to have to give the Rosencrantz & Guildenstern a try. Just on principle.

K

[Marvin]

For those about to rock, I salute YOU.

[Ruth]

Marvin is a good friend of mine. I'm going to link him to this.

[Ruth]

Assuming, of course, that the previous poster is not the real Martin. If he is, then I'm obviously too late.

[Ruth]

Marvin, even. I hate typing.

[BudapestDoucheBag]

I've used a technique where I would use meaningless (read fabricated) words in each sentence. For instance: "spanraids" or "corspors". This is done in an effort to confuse the audience. It is very important to speak in a firm and convincing manner (as if you actually know what the fuck you are talking about).

Careful: must be used sporadically. Prepare yourselves for the silence (sometimes incontinence inducing) that usually follows.

[wingsandvodka]

I've actually used the nonsense words approach quite a bit, only it was usually over the intercom while working at Barnes & Noble.

Fun Fact: Press #-3-9 on pretty much any phone in a Barnes & Noble, and you'll be on the air.

The Hangover:
[Works best if wearing sunglasses and slouching.] "I'm not answering anything until you stop screaming at me." Also known as the SBA Officer.

The Mute:
Feign the inability to speak by signing your answer or more likely just putting on a believable fraud of it. (It helps if you've IM'ed a friend to say "Professor, he's mute.") The danger: in a larger class, someone might know American Sign Language and be called upon to translate your inadvertant slur on the Archbishop.

The Color-Blind:
"But Prof. Mann, I'm not supposed to be up until next week, right?" Implausible if you're assigned the wrong color.

[Miguel]

I salute your reference to Admiral Stockdale. Our country is poorer for not having him as a vice president.

Who am I? What am I doing here?

[Tim]

That was brilliant Mike. Absolutely dead-on.

[Oklahoma City School of Law 4L]

Don't forget a corollary to the "Scorched Earth Policy." In the case of certain UT professors, whose names start with C and end with Arson, if the prof isn't paying attention and asked to repeat a question, or if a student giggles at the fact that he's wearing sweat pants with so many holes that bums on the drag wouldn't pick them up, he can simply call them racist, blame them for his failing to get the deanship, and kick them out of class.

On another note, this is by far the best Wings posting in many many months. 2nd semester, 3rd year appears to agree with you.

To the hangover, mute guy above: your post illustrates the reason why there is only 1 sir wings-and-vodka...and because you are not he, refrain from trying to be like mike.

[Phys. 5L]

Re: Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Haven't Read...

Can I fuck you with this?

[wingsandvodka]

Peed a little. Just a little, but still.

[jd0505]

Oh, the Shawn Rutherford! Only thing that could break the spirit of one of the school's most fearsome profs. Another good one:

The Deer in Headlights:
When called on, stare at the professor. Just stare. When prompted, continue to stare silently. Eventually, the puzzled prof calls on someone else.

It sounds insane, but I swear to God, my roommate did it first year and it worked.

[Carolyn Elefant]

I vote for the preemptive strike - works every time. In fact, back in my law school days, I volunteered answers and asked questions, (in retrospect, many stupid and off topic) so many times, that often there were times when I was the only person with my hand up in class and STILL, I would not be called on.

[SCLaw]

Marvin? We call it playing chameleon.

[Chris]

I like the Playing Foreign LLM approach as you can end all your sentences in Eh, Eh!

What made Rau stop calling on people? That must have been a fantastic move.

[Lizett]

I recently had someone pull an "I have no idea" on a question in Young's Con Law and he called on me next. To which I did the "talk a lot but don't make a real point"

[Anon]

We had a student ask to phone a friend last semester when he got called on. It would have been more amusing if the professor had gotten the pop-culture reference.

[LawDawg]

The best thing about the Marvin (or the Foxhole, as we call it) is that usually everyone else in the room will stare at Marvin, and he will still get away with it.

[Random Bird,]

University of Baltimore Law School students thank you for your timely contribution to Evening with the Erie Doctrine #7.