BuffaloWings&Vodka

A Logic Joke That I Tried to Get into a Song About the LSAT, But Couldn't, Mainly Because it Doesn't Actually Rhyme or Anything

They say that if you're smart, you should understand the concept of the contrapositive.

Well, I don't understand the contrapositive, so I must not be smart.

Too many syllables, sadly. 

Assault & Flattery Tickets: Now Available

Tickets for this year's Assault & Flattery production, The Big Dzienkowski, are on sale this very second in the atrium. The show is this weekend, March  3, 4, and 5. $12 for Friday and Saturday night shows, and if you mention that you heard about them here, you can get Saturday and Sunday matinee tickets for just $10 a piece.

But Mike, don't student-run shows generally suck ass?

1. Not any more than student-run journals.  2.  I've seen this one, and it's actually good, unlike the piece of guano they trotted out last year.  3.  Since it's off-campus, they're serving booze, so who cares?

Are you actually singing in the show?

Yes, though my song is still up in the air.  If we sell out the Friday and Saturday night shows, I'll be doing some Aerosmith.  If we don't, I'll bust out the Neil Sedaka.  But if we sell out all four shows, I 'll do the Aerosmith in full-on Steven Tyler regalia, and throw in some assless leather pants. How's that for motivation?

I'm a 1L, and I usually study on Friday nights.  Can I still come?

Absolutely!  This year we'll be providing booklights for anyone who'd like to outline during the show. 

Can I bring a girlfriend?

Bit of a counterfactual scenario there, isn't it?

Guess so.

Anyway, we're gonna light up the Scottish Rite Theatre. We're gonna burn the roof down. Or raise it. Or raze it. It will be a show for the ages.  So walk out of class right now and go to the atrium to buy your tickets with cash or check.  Lack of funds is not an excuse.  There are several ATMs within walking distance of the law school.  Or borrow from a friend.  Just get your tickets NOW.

And the Jamail Goes to...

Ruth & Tony over at Amicus-Curiae have taken the inside joke to new heights with the First Annual Joe Jamail Awards for Excellence in Legal Academics.  Though voting is only open to UT law students, it's worth noting that Yours Truly has received a couple of nominations, most painfully for Outstanding Achievement in Drinking. Though I'd like to think that this is tied to my incredible collection of imported liquers, I suspect that it has something more to do with last month's brilliant showing at Bar Review.  Thanks for that.

Have Fun. Suckers.

Congratulations to the newly selected Texas Law Review Volume 85 Editorial Board.

Radio Silence

Things going on.

Can't talk much.

Will return to normal on Monday.

The Pac-10 still sucks.

Just a Little

Gay:  Singing a cappella versions of law-related parodies of pop songs.

Gayer: Arranging a cappella versions of law-related parodies of pop songs.

Gayest: Arranging a cappella versions of law-related parodies of pop songs, and having one of the songs be The Cure's "Just Like Heaven," and having staffers look at you funny because you're doing this in your office and visibly dancing in your seat. 

Whatever.  Screw you for judging me.

Partial Secured Credit

Okay.  I really tried to go to secured credit just now.  But when I walked into the classroom, there was a girl sitting in my seat.  She had her laptop out and everything.  She definitely had the look of someone who planned on staying.

I took it as a sign, and got out of there before the professor showed up.

But then I started thinking about it. Sure, it's been a week or two since I was sitting in it, but this is an assigned seat, in a class where people are on call.  Next week, when my group is up to bat, the prof is going to expect me to be there.  In my seat.  But I won't be. Because she is.

This chick is trying to adversely possess my seat.  And now that I know about it, the clock is ticking. 

Show up to class tomorrow to watch me forcibly eject her.  Forcibly.

Weekend Open Thread

1.  Where (did you/are you/would you) (go/going/go) for your  post-bar vacation?

2.  How much (did you/are you/would you be willing) (spend/spending/spend)?

Everyone's Going to...JournalProm?

In order to raise cash for students doing public interest work this summer, the crafty folks at Texas Law Fellowships are hosting an 80's-themed Journal Prom this Thursday, February 9th.  (The "Journal" part denotes the discount given to anyone that's a member of one of UT Law's 37 student-run journals, but everyone is invited.  It is, I think, a good way for 1L's to figure out which journal they want to write onto next year, as, let's face it, drinking is a much bigger part of our job than editing.)

Having never gone to an actual prom, and having been assured by those in the know that JournalProm will have "the best bar tab you'll see all year," and having discovered that JournalProm is, for some reason, the "destination of choice for all of the hot 1L girls" on Thursday night, it has become clear to me that I should attend. 

But I'm stuck with one question: How do I ask my wife to JournalProm?

Should I shoe-polish her car with the words "Will U Go 2 JournalProm with me?"?  If I do that, should I include footnotes?  How about skywriting?  Singing telegram? Should I call a few of her friends first to see what the liklihood is of her saying yes?  Should I have them sign some sort of nondisclosure agreement? Should I ask somebody else's wife out first just to make her jealous?   Are we going to get our pictures taken?  Do I buy some sort of flowery shit to pin on her? Is there going to be a JournalProm King? And if there is, shouldn't it be the JournalProm EiC? And if it is, can I win it, and then claim for the rest of my life that I was a Prom King? And if not, what the fuck?

Or is this going to turn up like my actual senior prom, which means that I'll end up parked in a van with tinted windows outside of my ex-girlfriend's house with a camcorder for five hours, waiting to see if she gets kissed on the doorstep in order to settle a bet with my government teacher, but having to leave at 3 a.m. even though she hadn't shown up yet because her date puked on her?

Anyway, see you at JournalProm.  Save me a dance.

Entities that Would Be Way Better Targets of Class Actions than James Frey

1. The Makers of Soda Machines with Shared Syrup Nozzles that A) result in my Diet Mr. Pibb tasting like root beer, and B) are delivering calories and/or caffeine to people who don't want it.

2. C-Rock Radio Stations, who invariably lure unsuspecting out-of-towners into thinking that they've found a new MixArtist, until the moment that the word "you" is said with just a little too much force, the kind of force that let's you know that the singer means "You," meaning "Him," meaning "Jesus."

3. Texas Pom. Undoubtedly responsible for hundreds of heart attacks everytime those chaps are shown on national television.   

4. Second and Third-Tier Law Schools for inducing thousands of students to pay tuition by falsely promising real jobs.  Come to think of it, we should expand that list to include all of the law schools. Except, like, Yale. And SMU, because students should know better.

5.  Cocktail Waitresses in the Hard Rock Hotel Casino in Las Vegas, NV, Particularly in December When They Wear the Santa's Helper Outfits, But Pretty Much Any Time, Really. See "Texas Pom."

6. Subaru.  My gear shift is thigh-high, and slips into neutral any time it's bumped, which means any time I have an inflatable doll in the passenger seat to get me into the car pool lane and happen to stop short, which means a lot.  And I don't know about you, but the last situation in which I want my car to lose power is when I'm illegally driving in the HOV lane and stop short to avoid hitting somebody just because I happen to be going "the wrong direction."

7. Andie McDowell.  If I'm being honest, she's the worst actress in the world. "Look at me! I sound southern, but I can't decide on an accent! Am I from Louisabama? Or perhaps the great state of Georgissippi? God! I'm just awful!" So she should be sued for that. Some how.

8. The Black-Eyed Peas.  Clearly.

Boondoggle. Boondawgle? Buundaagle?

This guy is getting law school independent study credit for blogging.

They should give me a fucking LLM.

(And while they're at it, how about a parking space with my name on it? Parking is getting ricockulous.)

My Cat Peed on My Table

He's clearly doing this out of spite. 

Can I sue my cat for intentional infliction of emotional distress? He doesn't have a lot in the way of tangible assets--getting the sheriff to seize his cat tree could be tough--but I have a growing suspicion that he's been stashing money in offshore accounts.  I'd probably need some kind of federal help for that, huh?

Maybe if I characterize this as a terrorist attack.

When you think about it, that's really what this is, anyway.  He's jealous of my freedom.  And he wants a cleaner litterbox.  So he attacks soft targets in hopes of getting my attention.

Goddam terrorist cats.

Motivating the Motivationless

The parking garage.

1L is standing by his car in a suit, clearly on his way to a spring OCI interview.  He looks nervous, and seems to be stalling.  Mike, who parked in the garage today, because he was feeling lazy, gets out of his car, which, for the purposes of this scene, is a Jaguar. His hair looks great, his abs tight, his buns magnificent. He approaches.

Mike: (Enthusiastically slapping 1L on his suited ass) Give 'em hell, Tiger!!!

Exeunt.

Taxes

For the first time in my life, I was excited about doing my taxes, seeing as how I'm getting a fat refund on this summer's hard-earned dough.  The refund was helped out a bit by this blog's new-found status as a business, one that has incurred substantial losses during the last year.  While it's true that I've taken in tens of tens of dollars in advertising revenue, WingsandVodka.Com has had to make major investments in infrastructure and manpower that have hit me hard in the bank account.

After doing all of the calculations, I've figured that my tax refund should come to $371,113.90.  Or a little bit more if I take the tuition deduction.

And they said I'd need to take F.I.T. if I wanted to be a business lawyer.  Please.   

New Sponsor!

Check out our new sponsor, Enotes.com!

They turned down my offer to change the blog name to BuffaloWings&ENotes, they turned down my offer to have their URL tattooed on my forehead, and they turned down my offer to babysit their teenage daughters.

But in exchange for premium ad-space, Enotes has agreed to publish my entire collection of secured credit poetry later this year.  So look for that.