My mom reads my blog.
Sometimes, this leads me to be a little more careful about what I put on the web. If I'm doing a post about transsexual strippers, for example, that $4900 I spent in the Cristal Room will probably be downgraded to $750 spent on relatively tame table dances. Or if I'm talking about how I'd like to murder the tool that's always working in the Central Market produce section, instead of writing that I'd like to "disembowel him with a $3.95 wooden lemon reamer," I'll probably just talk about "beating him over the head with a $14-per-pound organic cantaloupe." It was basically the same deal back when I had to be on my best behavior in junior high on days when my mom was volunteering in my school library. Only, back then I didn't really have the money for the Cristal Room. Or organic cantaloupes.
I also have to watch my grammar and usage a little more. A few misplaced modifiers and I won't hear much. But if I drop a compulsory comma, I'll get a polite phone call. Misuse a fancy Latin term? Probably an angry postcard. And if my Flesch-Kincaid score ever drops below 11, well, let's just say that I work unfathomablistically hard to make sure that doesn't happen. Back when I was editing the college humor magazine, I was forced to publish a letter from my mom castigating us for not knowing that the correct phrase was "for all intents and purposes," not "for all intensive purposes." But she did make up something like 33% of our total readership at the time, so we were thankful all the same. (And I'd bet a $3.95 lemon reamer that at least one person will read this post and say "Wait--it's not 'for all intensive purposes'? Are you sure?")
So, it's nice to know that no matter how vile the imagery, how low the readability index, or how frequent the malapropisms, there will always be at least one reader for whatever I write.
Thanks, Mom. I love you. Happy Mother's Day.
And if anyone is going to be in the Las Vegas area, and happens to be a knitter or quilter, be sure to drop by Nancy's Quilt Shop, the ONLY quilt shop worth visiting in Las Vegas.
