BuffaloWings&Vodka

Final Request Cleanup

1. Weird Specialties

Ruby asks:

You often hear people go on and on about how the best way to make money in
the law is to specialize.  What, in your opinion, is the oddest legal
specialty out there?

This seems like a question that would require actual, first-hand knowledge or experience to answer, but I'll try anyway. I think the wackiest emerging legal specialty will be anything dealing with the expansion of statutory and common law into the virtual worlds created by MMORPG's, the big-ass, online role playing games like Everquest and Worlds of Warcraft. People have already written some articles on intellectual property rights in items created in those worlds, and on the wacky exchange rates created by the real world trading of virtual world currency. But what about, say, family law? Can I sue my online wife for divorce if I catch her fornicating with a mage from another guild? Or can she get me for alimony if she finds out about that thing with the nymph from the Aerysthian Shard? Am I going to have to give up a substantial portion of my gold just to support the halfling that I fathered on some dwarf chick after too many rounds with a tankard of mead? These are important questions, and someone is going to have to deal with them.

2. Why Law School?

An anonymous poster, known only to her fans as "Sigh" writes:

You, W&V, YOU have what the elite writing world calls "writing ability" and are seemingly clever enough to have your own column and make lots of money as a journalist and or novelist. Why, then,(WHY??) are you in law school?

The quick answer is that the world of elite advertising creatives seemed to think that I wasn't good enough for them. Maybe I just came out in a tough market, but whatever. Screw them for not recognizing that I could have been the greatest advertising mind since Bill Bernbach.

A better answer is that I am extremely risk-averse. I like eating, and I just don't have what it takes to be a starving artist, or a rather hungry artist, or anything other than a consistently-pleasantly-full artist. So, as long as there is a way that I can get paid for doing something that's interesting, I'll probably do that.

But the best answer is simply that I have the attention span of a nine-year-old strung out on meth. I've had to take six breaks just to finish this post. The thought of sitting down long enough to finish a short story makes me want to cry.

Oh, also, I came to law school to help people. Really.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, though. Once my firm realizes who they've hired, I'm sure I'll be forced to pursue a book deal a little more energetically. Until then, the world will have to be happy with stuff like "What the Supremes Are Doing For Arbor Day" and "A Brief Conversation About Multiple Choice Question #32 On My Remedies Exam." Sorry.

3. Quit Screwing Around

The last request comes from the future. In a request from myself, written on Jan 10th, 2005, I say to me:

Dude. Quit screwing around. You have to finish an entire play by January 10th, and then a rough draft of your student note by the 24th. You haven't finished your Christmas shopping, you still need to do laundry, and if you don't clean up the house before you leave, you're going to be the youngest divorcee in the history of the blogosphere. So quit with the last-minute posting, and get busy. Love, You.

Seriously, man. Chill out. I appreciate your advice, but we both know that I'm going to spend the next eight hours playing Halo 2. And though I might have considered using some of that time to work on the student note, you've sort of pissed me off. So, now you get to deal with it. Have fun! And Happy New Year! Love, Me.

More Requestness: Vegas? Really?

Ian asks:

What are the pro’s and cons of living/growing up in Las Vegas?

The Pro's:

1. Always having something to talk to cabbies about. In any city in America, you tell a cabbie that you're from Las Vegas, and they have a story will last the rest of the ride. Either they go there every other month with their cabbie club, or they've never been but think that Shreveport is just as exciting, or their cousin drove a cab there for a few months and got stabbed eight times.

2. I can walk into a grocery store on a Sunday morning at 5 a.m. and buy a handle of Vodka. This is important to me.

3. Cheap eats. Arizona Charlie's--a locals haunt, but worth checking out if you're hungry--used to offer the Gambler's Special between midnight and six a.m.: Eggs, toast, and bacon or sausage for just fifty-nine cents. They've since raised the price to seventy-seven cents, but it's still fabulous. Think you're hungrier than that? Just order four breakfasts.

4. I can walk into a casino on Christmas Day and watch a movie or go bowling. This is important to me.

5. Slot machines...in grocery stores? Check. Gas stations? Check. High school cafeterias? Check. McDonald's PlayPlace? Check. Most churches are slot-free, and my mom hasn't put one in her quilt shop yet, but I'll probably buy her one for Christmas.

The Cons:

1. Contrary to popular belief, prostitution is not legal in Clark County. The closest house of ill-repute is, I think, in Pahrump. So you're basically stuck with the free-range hookers unless you feeling like making the two-hour drive four or five times a week.

2. The question/comment "You mean you're really from Vegas? I didn't think anyone actually lived there!" being asked/said as if it's never been uttered before. But just to set the record straight: For the most part, you're right. Nobody really lives there. It's just me, two strippers, and a blackjack dealer named Dan. Everyone else is just in for New Year's. 

Request #3: More practical questions from cyberspace.

What were the worst times in your law school experience? How often did they happen?

The worst times I’ve had in law school were the times that I actually attended my 8:13 am Civil Procedure class. That happened five times.

If you haven't received A's in all of your classes, what do you think you could have done differently to receive a higher a grade (specifically)?

Though folks here at BW&V Headquarters are still waiting for this semester’s results to come in, I think that, for me, exam performance is directly correlated with exam preparation. But I mean that a lot more specifically than it sounds. When I say “exam prep” I don’t really mean doing the assigned readings or going to class and taking notes. Rather, I mean the insane amount of intense, focused work that I do in the four weeks leading up to class.

Me, I’m a flashcarder. I make flashcards for everything. One for every case, every extra reading, every relevant article the professor has ever written. I’ll usually do another set of cards that outlines the blackletter law for that particular area, and one set that covers any and all applicable theory. Then I’ll usually go thru all of the professor’s old exams, and write a flashcard outlining an answer for every question that’s ever appeared on an exam. And after that, (time permitting) I’ll start writing my own questions and answers, and make flashcards for those. I basically have flashcards for anything I would ever want to have available in my head: statutes, codes, phone numbers of ever girl in the 1L class, the first 550 pages of Black’s 7th Edition. Even if the test is going to be open-book, I feel better knowing that I could still ace the exam even if my outline were to catch fire at the beginning of the exam period. (Incidentally…great way to intimidate your classmates: Memorize everything you need for an open-book test, then just as the exam period starts, torch your outline in plain view of the entire class. Extra points for doing it with one of those things they use to caramelize crème bruleé.)

But that’s just me. Maybe you don’t like flashcards. Maybe you’re more into listening to tapes or recopying old outlines by hand in seven different colors of ink. Whatever floats your boat. But whatever amount of preparation you do, I say that looking at and working with old exams is the only truly indispensable part. Lectures, outlines, readings—any one of these could be taken out of the equation. But old exam questions are like gold. And old exam questions with actual “best” student answers are like gold covered in gold.

Request #1: Who is Mrs. Andvodka?

Lawgrrrrl writes:

As a 3L graduating Friday (!!!), I would like to read about something other than finals, papers, job prospects, lack thereof, or basically, anything relating to the law, law school, etc.

So- if memory serves, you got hitched recently. I think your gentle readers would like to know more of the details. For example, obviously your new bride is not Ms. Paris Hilton, but surely she IS a super model? And an astrophysicist? Details, please.

Dear Law Grrrrl,

Thank you for wrrrriting. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that the reason you find it obvious that I would not be married to Paris Hilton is that she totally embarrassed the crap out of me at Topher Grace’s Orange Party last year, and not because she’s rich or doesn’t know who I am.

Anyway, the specs on Mrs. Andvodka:

Contrary to popular belief, Mrs. Andvodka (hereinafter “Alice from Dallas ”) is both sighted and without serious mental disability. Rumors that our wedding was a coerced affair, brought about only by appeals to several Russian mob bosses, are patently false. Her decision to marry me was a willful, voluntary act, and she has regretted it ever since. Though no longer a supermodel (her coke habit was getting in the way of my coke habit), she is quite fetching.

(Here is a nice picture of her in a costume. Here’s one of her and some dude. And here’s one that’s generally more representative. As is this one. (Incidentally, if anyone wants to see more of our stunning wedding photos taken by this guy, go ahead and e-mail me and I’ll send you the password. Somebody should be getting my money’s worth.))

Anyway, we met either:

A) During a college dinner theatre production in which she wore a bodice and I wore tights.

B) While working as gaffers on a failed film version of The Babysitter’s Club #4: MaryAnne Saves the Day.

C) When I tried to hit on her at a club, and she thought that my “As your attorney, I advise you to have freaky monkeysex with me”-line was cute, or

D) At a pro-Smith rally during the 1928 presidential campaign.

The precise length of our courtship is a matter of some debate, but most historians estimate that it lasted at least four years. It mainly consisted of me doing stupid stuff and her making fun of me for it. It was great.

Currently, Alice is a freelance advertising copywriter, doing work for various companies, large and small. In fact, you can even see her portfolio here. And if you’re someone in need of a copywriter, feel free to contact her and use my name. It may or may not help.

And that’s about it. At this very moment, she is in Dallas, at her parents’ house (where I’ll be headed in about a week, before taking off at exactly noon on Christmas Day to go to my parents’ house), which is why I’m allowed to be up and typing at this hour.

(More requests to come...)

Wisdom For the Boards

In what promises to be a weekly or bi-weekly or inter-weekly feature, I endeavor today to answer questions from the ever-enlightening XOXOHTH.com discussion board. Picking up right where the Princeton Review boards left off as the world’s most prestigious pre-law rumor mill, XOXOHTH is constantly a-flutter with thoughtful questions from tomorrow’s 1L’s. Today’s batch:

“What do you wear to a firm reception? An evening reception at a nice restaurant. I would guess like a nice pair of "slacks" and a button-down shirt, no tie[?]”

Before I roll to a firm reception, I’m making literally hundreds of wardrobe calculations: Do I go with one of the thirty-seven suits I have hanging in the closet, or do I have something flown in? Are the goldfish platforms going to get the job done, or do I need to kick it up a notch with the purple and yellow Magic Johnson Converse high tops? Shave the chest, or take the time to wax? Anyone can get a 4.0 and secure a nice appellate clerkship…but having the stones to rock a sharkskin blazer over a skintight, metallic, maroon t-shirt? That’s what I call future partner material.

Everyone is going to be wearing “slacks” and a button-down, this is true. But if everyone were also turning in a résumé printed on double-weight, oxi-bond papyrus, would you do that, too? Probably. But the point is this: Firm receptions are your chance to really outshine your peers. Once the interviews roll around, you will be evaluated alone, without your less-goodlooking classmates nearby for favorable comparison. So, don’t miss this chance. Own it.

“Will I be able to get a job in Texas? I'm a minority at CCN. What are my chances of landing a 125k+ BigFirm job there?”

So, you want to work in Texas, eh? Luckily, you decided to spend a lot of money at a private university instead of coming to UT. Most firms will be impressed by your playing hard to get. In fact, I’d take it a step further and not even send Texas firms your résumé. That kind of snub is sure to pique their interest. They’ll be like, “Who is this fellow who refuses even to request an interview? I say! He must be a prize!” (That is, by the way, exactly how hiring partners at most Texas firms talk. You'll need to get used to that.) You’ll definitely be on your way at that point.

The only obstacle I see is that your choice of law school would be a bit of a liability. You’d be a lot better off if you were coming from, say, Columbia or Chicago, or even NYU. But I guess CCN was the best you could do. It's okay. We don’t choose these things. They choose us.

“Should I wait out the [law school] application storm? [I have a] 3.4/163...should i try to wait it out? How long would that be? Or are things only gonna get worse? How many people plan to wait it out?”

The National Weather Service is currently reporting that the annual number of law school applicants is due to dip back below 120,000 by the year Two Thousand and Fucking Never. Your best option is to put off graduation for another three years and take nothing but phys ed courses in hopes of raising your GPA. But since the top law schools really aren’t going to take anything less than a 4.6/194, I would also consider retaking the LSAT. A 225 would average out with your old exam to reach your optimal target score, and with a little bit of work that could totally be within your range. Or, you could just come over to my house and play XBox. Either way.