TO: Office of the Dean
RE: Late Grades
To Whom it May Concern:
As someone who pays an increasingly high rate of tuition and is consistently dinged for student fees that fund everything from the Gardening Technology for Tomorrow Fund to the mysteriously titled “School of Engineering,” I expect a lot out of my University and my Law School. Which is why I’m terribly upset that the last of my five grades for the Spring 2004 semester has still not been reported.
I spent the majority of my Christmas break coding a script that is designed to check my grades every .89 seconds and report the results into a voice message that is relayed to my cell phone, my home phone, my car phone, and the portable audio receiver that I keep with my squash racquet. The script works well, but its purpose has been frustrated by the laziness of a professor who has now taken nearly six weeks to grade our exams. And this is inexcusable.
The new Law School grading policy clearly dictates that a professor shall have reported grades no later than five weeks after the last exam day, a deadline that has come and gone. I am writing today because I hope that the Dean’s office has the guts to follow thru on its threats and impose severe financial penalties on those professors unable to supply grades in a timely fashion. Though no exact amount was stipulated by the faculty committee in charge of this matter, I would like to suggest that a fine of no less than $50,000 US is appropriate. Additionally, professors found to be in violation of the new grading policy should have their tenure revoked and their secretaries taken away. You should also consider killing their pets.
We must have these grades. Without them, we cannot fully calculate our GPA’s. And without our GPA’s, we have no idea what to put on our personalized license plates. I’m sure you can see where this would lead, and I am confident that you will act appropriately.
Thank you for your time.
FROM: The Office of the Dean
RE: Late Grades
The professor to whom you refer has been in the hospital for the last month. Your grade will be available in early July. Until then, may we suggest you spend some more time on your résumé, as it sucks rhinoceros balls.
Thank you for your patience.