Dear The Real World,
It has recently been brought to my attention that the next season of The Real World is to be broadcast from Austin, TX, which is, conveniently, where I live. I know that you've probably selected your cast already, but I would like for you to consider me as a candidate anyway. It would be easy for me to replace the inevitable Hot White Guy Who Claims to Have Black Friends But Would Really Like a Chance to Understand Black People Better, or perhaps even the by-now-expected Raging Alcoholic With Amazing Abs. I would also willing to be gay. Or a woman. But before you get distracted by the possibilities, let me explain why my unique life situation would be great for the MTV audience.
I am a law student. This means that I would be at the house all of the time, because I have no actual friends. It also means that I could start practically every sentence with the phrase "As Your Attorney, I Advise You To..." which wouldn't get old until at least the third episode, which is when I'd probably have the three-way with the multi-racial lesbian and the Southern Baptist field hockey star anyway, so the timing would work out just fine.
Also, my extensive knowledge of both tort and criminal law should come in handy during Episode Seven when half of my roommates are tossed in jail for public intoxication, and then again in Episode Nine when Stan the Alt-Rocking Asian gets sued for groping a stripper at The Yellow Rose. (Which is, by the way, one of the several Austin gentlemen's establishments that you'll want to clear for filming. Just a warning.)
Additionally, we could work in this sweet gimmick where I would take my laptop into the confessional, and all of my videotaped confessionals would be simultaneously documented on my extremely popular weblog, exposure that could really do a lot for your show's visibility and ad revenue. That is, of course, assuming that the house will be setup for wireless internet access. It will be, right? (And, while we're on the subject, I'm also going to require my own room with completely white furniture and window coverings, a Sleep Number bed set to 17, a DVD library featuring every episode of Who's the Boss?, and a neverending supply of Junior Mints.)
All in all, I think that this could be an extremely lucrative relationship for everyone involved. I look forward to your call.
P.S. Tell Mallory that Ace doesn't deserve her and that she should really call me back. Thanks.